The Dark Place

Today marks World Suicide Prevention Day. Depression is something we don’t talk about half as much as we should because at some point or other it will affect us all. 

I remember a time years ago I was at ATP surrounded by friends and I could not stop crying. I couldn’t listen to music. I couldn’t read a book. I couldn’t watch a film. I couldn’t write. I could barely take a photo. All I could do was stare into the abyss of the television whilst some reality show glared back. All these things I desperately enjoyed doing robbed from me. Shaziya who loves music, books and films and diving conversations about all of the aforementioned. 

It still comes in waves and I sit with it him or her I darent even give it a name to give it a name would be to admit to it, to hold it in reverence to acknowledge the hurt that comes with the infinite sadness. To say it leaves you stuck is an understatement. The flat stays messy as the thoughts whirl about in your head but thats just what they are thoughts. Thoughts that happen to be taking up space in your brain, space that could be filled with ideas and plans but space. Space, sometimes the biggest thing is to get out of bed to listen to a band you (I) adore. Sometimes you feel a sense of gratitude when you have have a shower. Sometimes and space. Sometimes you could spend an evening with friends yet still go home and cry into your pillow sometimes. 

So you do the things that make you feel good. You lie in bed and finish a book and remember a time when that just wasn’t possible. You listen to an album because right now that album reflects exactly how you feel and there was a time when all you could listen to was middle of the road rock which is not soothing or something you (I) enjoy. You watch THAT film because there was time all you could watch was rom coms and you generally hate rom coms unless its THAT time of the month or there ironic or not shit. You cook a healthy meal because is anything better than cooking?  You work out because those endorphins are addicitive and the moment you stop you….. You go for a walk with your camera because the happiest place for you (me) is taking photos and there was a time….. There WAS a time but that time is not now. You call your friends and talk because you are surrounded by people who are lovely and love you and you know that you’re better talking to others than letting yourself simmer with it. However sometimes the most wonderful thing is to be alone, sipping tea and writing because you love writing and creativity is the thing that makes you you.  You look down at your wrist and remember why you have THAT tattoo. You put on THE red lipstick and THOSE boots because this time it won’t she/ he/ it won’t win. You are far stronger than you believe and you have come through so much. 

If you are going through something tell someone don’t suffer in silence. 

Shaziya Niamh xo